Happy Thanksgiving!

We have so much to be thankful for this year, and I hope you all feel the same way!

*I'm 10 weeks pregnant today! We were released from the specialist yesterday, and our first appointment with the OB is 12/8!

*David hurt his arm the other night. I am SO thankful that it isn't broken - we were very concerned for a while about that, but he's okay!

*We both have stable jobs - David is changing shifts at one job and cutting hours back at the other. He will be home so much more now!

*We are celebrating the day with our family - David's family and my dad. We are so blessed to have everybody home and healthy this year.

This is just a start to the list.... I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Thanksgiving! Give your loved ones an extra hug or two, and enjoy your blessings!

We're having a baby!

That's right! You read that right! I'm pregnant!!!!!!!

I sit here today, 7 weeks and 3 days pregnant. I've already had one ultrasound:


This was at 6 weeks. One little bean, with a heart beat! We couldn't get a count because if I moved, we would lose the angle. But, the tech said it looked great. And if there was a concern, I would have had to go back sooner... as it stands, we go in for the 8 wk ultrasound on Wednesday morning!

I'm having alot of problems with nausea, but no puking! Complete exhaustion and the smell sense of a dog are also making things difficult. Here's the blog, dedicated to our baby, symptoms and all: http://ourtimeforbaby.blogspot.com/2010/11/background-story.html. Hope you feel like joining me!

Time to turn around

Is anybody out there??? I promise I've been reading everybody's blogs. Just nothing too exciting to write about. But now...

Yet again... I feel like I'm always posting this. The whole maintenance thing has yet to sink in. My weight is back up to 220. I've gained 30 lbs in a year, and I'm only 32 lbs lighter than I was at my heaviest.

David and I have done 2 rounds of IUI with our fertility specialist. She "thinks" he has enough sperm that we might get pregnant on our "own." If this doesn't work, we move to IVF.

Last week, when I tried to put my jeans on, they were so tight I couldn't get them buttoned. I texted David immediately and said, "If I'm not pregnant, I need to go back to Weight Watchers." Well, unless my body is just playing a trick on me, I am not pregnant.

I got a new phone today - the Mo.ment from Sam.sung. I download the app for SparkPeople and made myself an account. Right now, I don't have the money to go back to WW - we have trees that need cut down and another round of fertility payments coming up - or the time. So, Spark People is free, so I'm gonna try it! I have it on the first page - I can add every single thing I put in my mouth, track my water intake, my exercise... everything!

So, my goal is to lose the 30 lbs by December 1. Hopefully, I'll get pregnant before that goal happens, but I need an end date - a reachable, accountable goal. I WILL get healthy again. My goal is to get 10 minutes of cardio every day. Doesn't seem like much, does it? But, for me, at this point, that's alot. So, I'll get healthy.....

And I WILL get pregnant.

Hello! I'm here!

I can't believe I haven't blogged for a month! I guess that shows you how busy we've been... Nothing too exciting, just working....

But, David and I made the decision to start the fertility treatments. Yeah, it's expensive but we want our baby. Last month, we did an unmedicated IUI, but didn't get pregnant. This month, I took 50 mg of Cl.omid. We're waiting for the positive OPK, and then we'll do another IUI. Hopefully this one works!

My weight has also continued to go up. I'm trying to make better food choices and get back to the gym. But I've been busy and lazy. I need to - I need to get healthy again. We signed up for the Race for the Cure in October, so I need to be able to walk it!!!

Oh, and the most exciting thing: I got a tattoo last night!

The Kokopelli turtle stands for so many things... It stands for fertility, wisdom, and strength. I feel like David and I's struggles with infertility have made us wiser and stronger. And this little guy is going to be my good luck charm! My little Kokopelli turtle is going to put my baby on his back and carry him to me!

Picture Frames

Warning: this may be a very depressing yet hopeful fertility-related post!

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A friend of mine let me borrow a book recently... I read it in 2 nights. It was amazing, sad, hopeful... everything!

The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Currier Nadeau. She writes, with her husband's "contributions" about their struggle with infertility. Their "problem" was her. Not male infertility like David and I struggle with.. but I think any "infertile" has the same feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams, and nightmares. If you struggle with infertility, or know anybody who does, you need to read this book. NOW.

One thing I got out of this book... Journal. I'm going to start blogging more so that I can share with our babies -- however many we can be blessed with -- the struggles. And show them how loved they are before they've even implanted themselves into me!

So, tonight, I went to David's mom's house. They just moved back to town and she's so happy that she has her house set up. She's been telling me how she has the "family wall" and the "Day and Panda wall" (our nicknames) and the "Matt and Tina and kids wall". So, I knew there were going to be many pictures hanging up.. Big deal, right?

Matt is David's brother and he and his wife have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. They are all under 4 and none were exactly planned. When their oldest was less than a week old, they were both able to sleep through his cries. when he was 2 weeks old, she started propping his bottle at night so that she could sleep with fewer interruptions. His first ear infection... David's mom let the baby sleep in her room because "I can just tell they are exhausted." WTF? They are parents now! They need to raise their children -- not stay up until 3:00 in the morning, drinking, smoking, and partying. Their second child? The first child got to stay in mother in law's room permanently. Because heaven forbid she actually raise her kids. They are both addicted to the tv - at less than 4 yrs old, they can both sit through an entire 90 minute movie. And the movies they watch? Scary movies -- like movies that scare ME. Granted, I scare easily. But some of these movies scare David! The oldest can say "Cover your eyes Manna, this part is scary and the monsters are coming." Seriously???? The youngest is about to be 7 months old and JUST started rolling over. Why? Because she was never anywhere but her bouncy-seat or car seat. Again, propped bottles and TV babysitting. She doesn't need rocked to fall asleep -- she needs the TV on.

So, back to the picture frames... Their "wall" is right above the TV. So, of course, as I'm watching a show with everybody, I get to look at their faces -- their happy family pictures - tons of them. A family pic from when the first and second were born, and a couple pictures of the new baby (David's brother is in Iraq right now so no family pictures yet). But you know what I noticed? They were not smiling! The kids were laughing and obviously having a good time. But their parents? They looked miserable.

How can you be blessed with beautiful children and NOT be happy???? So, I got to stew about this for 2 hours before I finally gave up. I made an excuse to head home, and left... I'm bitter, I'm angry. Why can THEY have 3 children -- they got married while she was pregnant with their first -- and David and I don't have one? Neither has been able to hold a stable job until he joined the military. David's brother never graduated high school. His wife did and her "college" was one that you hear on the radio - "I completed my program in 9 short months and I am the happiest I've ever been!" Guess what? She couldn't handle it. She dropped out after her second class.

I have lots of picture frames around the house... On one wall, I have a couple wedding pictures hung. For Christmas, I made a collage of family pics that we had done back in September. In another spot, I have the picture that my mom gave us for Christmas a few years ago with our dogs and her 2. Oh, and in the kitchen I have a picture of a bottle of wine with a glass -- a memory from one of our wine weekends.

And in the closet, hiding... I have empty frames. Those frames will have pictures of babies -- our babies. But when? My heart breaks everytime David's mom mentions my sister in law or the kids. I want to cry. They need to be loved. They need to be cared for.

Now, for the happy part of the post! On Thursday, we meet with the RE! I've heard good things about Dr. O, and I'm very excited - but scared - to see what she has to say.

#1 - I want my progesterone checked. I just have this deep down gut feeling that mine is off. My luteal phase is short, and my mom's was low. Also, my grandma had multiple miscarriages -- back then, they didn't test things like this. But, with mom's history, chances are, grandma had low progesterone also.

#2 - We are going for an IUI in July. David's numbers aren't much better, so we are going with donor sperm. (And I only tell you, my followers, because only a handful of you know me in real life, and if you do, I trust you enough to keep our "secret") We can't afford the IVF w/ ICSI (sperm injection), so we're going to try this... and pray.

So, I'm scared, frustrated, sad, and hopeful... all at once. I'm not scared to be a mom or to be pregnant. I'm scared to GET pregnant, and I'm scared to STAY pregnant. I'm frustrated that people all around us get pregnant and didn't even WANT another baby. (I had one former student's pregnant mom say to me, "You jinxed me by asking when I'd have another one. Every time I look down, I think about you." I hope she was joking, but damn, that hurt!) I'm sad that David and I are going on Year 3 of trying to have a baby and still don't have one. But, I'm hopeful... I'm hopeful that this will all change. I'm hopeful that I will be a mom. And I'm hopeful that this appointment on Thursday will yield the answers that I NEED it to answer.

More to come on Thursday.... And if you got all the way through this, kudos to you!

Catching Up!

Last night a friend and I were talking. Before she signed off, she said "PS. Update your blog." So, Becca, you asked for it!

David and I have been in a whirlwind the last month. Things are going great! We had a slight breakdown and huge blow-out fight. We re-did our budget and we are doing really good. For the first time in AGES, we've actually had money in our account to last between paychecks.

Baby Making

We've also approached a new level of infertility. We know that IUI will not get us pregnant. Yeah, it would get the swimmers closer, but David's numbers are still low - there is "hope" that someday, they will get better. But what is someday? We are looking at IVF with ICSI - this means that the sperm is directly injected into the egg. But, this is extremely expensive.

Another option that has never really been an option but is kind of an option now -- donor sperm. David has always been very against this thought - it wouldn't be his child. I've never really thought of it as an option - it just seems cold to me. But, David told me that he is okay with the possibility. We want to have a baby, to be a family, and this may be our best option.

We have alot of thinking to do, and we meet with a fertility specialist later this month. We have alot of thinking to do. Plus, I talked to my mom and found out that my grandma had multiple miscarriages and so did she. They know her problem was progesterone - they didn't do testing back in the 40s when my grandma was having problems, but she could have had the same problem. So, we will probably be testing my progesterone levels....

Regardless of what we do, we can't do any procedures until September or October. We are going to use some of my flex spending to do the procedure, and that doesn't renew until then.

I really struggled over Mother's Day this weekend. I'm not sure why this year was so much harder than years past. And I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it was the numerous people saying "Happy Mother's Day" to me. When I say, Oh, I'm not a mom. They just look at me and smile. Maybe it was the newly pregnant friend who said, "You know, you and Dave got married before us. When are you gonna have a baby?" Maybe it was just PMS... Who knows.

Weight Loss

My weight journey has definitely been a roller coaster. I wanted to get back down to 190 before our anniversary. I don't think it's really going to happen - I've been doing alot of emotional eating lately. But, my new goal is to get down to 190 before my 10 year class reunion. That's June 26. I can do it!

I need to start over at the basics - writing food down, exercising, drinking water, getting the daily requirements of veggies, fruits, grains, etc... I can do it!!!! Keep me accountable.

So, that's pretty much my update... Lots of ups and ups - no real 'downs'. We're doing our best to stay ahead, and praying for our future. I promise to get better about blogging!

We're BAAA-aaack

David and I got back from our cruise this morning. We docked in Galveston yesterday morning, and after a LONG wait through Customs, we got in the van and headed home.

The cruise was absolutely amazing. We left Friday afternoon after I got off work and drove through a snow storm to get to Galveston Saturday morning. We had one day at sea, then a day at Progresso (on the Yucatan peninsula), a day at Cozumel, and then another day at sea. We docked Thursday morning, and then dealt with 2 detours, a sleeping break because neither of us could stay awake anymore, and a slight van break down! (Spark plugs and a coil pack needed replaced - lucky that my husband is handy with cars!)

So, here are a few pictures... We took 244 pictures, so obviously I'm not going to show you them all. But, here are a few highlights that aren't in any order because the Blogger uploader reverses them and I'm too lazy to change it!


On the beach at Progresso


Captain's Celebration night - this was in the Blue Saphhire lounge before the nightly show.


Together at dinner.


Out on the sun deck!

Love my toes, love the water.

David and I waiting to get off the boat on Thursday (told you this was out of order!)


Drinking at Cozumel - we did the Mexican Cuisine excursion. Beach time and cooking lesson with completely open bar!


David and the assistant chef, Moises


David and I before getting started on our cooking lesson

David and I at the beach in Cozumel.

Our last night on the ship. David bought me roses and chocolate covered strawberries. What a nice surprise and an awesome evening.


My handsome husband on our last evening.

I didn't get down to my goal weight of 190 but I was comfortable and that's what matters. Also, my knee was great! I only did the exercises the first night and morning at sea. I also had to do them the night at Cozumel because we did alot of walking and I was sore. But, really, I did pretty well overall.

David has already decided we are going to go again - I'm hoping we can go again next year over spring break! We had a blast, and it was great to be able to reconnect with my husband again. We haven't had a week together, stuck together with no interruptions, in so long. I honestly don't remember the last time that happened - maybe last summer? But there are always phones and computers... this week, those weren't even available! How perfect could it be???

Anyways. I'm scared to get on the scale tomorrow. I know that I gained weight - one of the skirts I took on the trip did not fit by Night 4! Oops! I will get on the scale tomorrow and will begin fighting the battle again. Hopefully I can get down to 190 and stay there!!!!