Picture Frames

Warning: this may be a very depressing yet hopeful fertility-related post!

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A friend of mine let me borrow a book recently... I read it in 2 nights. It was amazing, sad, hopeful... everything!

The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Currier Nadeau. She writes, with her husband's "contributions" about their struggle with infertility. Their "problem" was her. Not male infertility like David and I struggle with.. but I think any "infertile" has the same feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams, and nightmares. If you struggle with infertility, or know anybody who does, you need to read this book. NOW.

One thing I got out of this book... Journal. I'm going to start blogging more so that I can share with our babies -- however many we can be blessed with -- the struggles. And show them how loved they are before they've even implanted themselves into me!

So, tonight, I went to David's mom's house. They just moved back to town and she's so happy that she has her house set up. She's been telling me how she has the "family wall" and the "Day and Panda wall" (our nicknames) and the "Matt and Tina and kids wall". So, I knew there were going to be many pictures hanging up.. Big deal, right?

Matt is David's brother and he and his wife have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. They are all under 4 and none were exactly planned. When their oldest was less than a week old, they were both able to sleep through his cries. when he was 2 weeks old, she started propping his bottle at night so that she could sleep with fewer interruptions. His first ear infection... David's mom let the baby sleep in her room because "I can just tell they are exhausted." WTF? They are parents now! They need to raise their children -- not stay up until 3:00 in the morning, drinking, smoking, and partying. Their second child? The first child got to stay in mother in law's room permanently. Because heaven forbid she actually raise her kids. They are both addicted to the tv - at less than 4 yrs old, they can both sit through an entire 90 minute movie. And the movies they watch? Scary movies -- like movies that scare ME. Granted, I scare easily. But some of these movies scare David! The oldest can say "Cover your eyes Manna, this part is scary and the monsters are coming." Seriously???? The youngest is about to be 7 months old and JUST started rolling over. Why? Because she was never anywhere but her bouncy-seat or car seat. Again, propped bottles and TV babysitting. She doesn't need rocked to fall asleep -- she needs the TV on.

So, back to the picture frames... Their "wall" is right above the TV. So, of course, as I'm watching a show with everybody, I get to look at their faces -- their happy family pictures - tons of them. A family pic from when the first and second were born, and a couple pictures of the new baby (David's brother is in Iraq right now so no family pictures yet). But you know what I noticed? They were not smiling! The kids were laughing and obviously having a good time. But their parents? They looked miserable.

How can you be blessed with beautiful children and NOT be happy???? So, I got to stew about this for 2 hours before I finally gave up. I made an excuse to head home, and left... I'm bitter, I'm angry. Why can THEY have 3 children -- they got married while she was pregnant with their first -- and David and I don't have one? Neither has been able to hold a stable job until he joined the military. David's brother never graduated high school. His wife did and her "college" was one that you hear on the radio - "I completed my program in 9 short months and I am the happiest I've ever been!" Guess what? She couldn't handle it. She dropped out after her second class.

I have lots of picture frames around the house... On one wall, I have a couple wedding pictures hung. For Christmas, I made a collage of family pics that we had done back in September. In another spot, I have the picture that my mom gave us for Christmas a few years ago with our dogs and her 2. Oh, and in the kitchen I have a picture of a bottle of wine with a glass -- a memory from one of our wine weekends.

And in the closet, hiding... I have empty frames. Those frames will have pictures of babies -- our babies. But when? My heart breaks everytime David's mom mentions my sister in law or the kids. I want to cry. They need to be loved. They need to be cared for.

Now, for the happy part of the post! On Thursday, we meet with the RE! I've heard good things about Dr. O, and I'm very excited - but scared - to see what she has to say.

#1 - I want my progesterone checked. I just have this deep down gut feeling that mine is off. My luteal phase is short, and my mom's was low. Also, my grandma had multiple miscarriages -- back then, they didn't test things like this. But, with mom's history, chances are, grandma had low progesterone also.

#2 - We are going for an IUI in July. David's numbers aren't much better, so we are going with donor sperm. (And I only tell you, my followers, because only a handful of you know me in real life, and if you do, I trust you enough to keep our "secret") We can't afford the IVF w/ ICSI (sperm injection), so we're going to try this... and pray.

So, I'm scared, frustrated, sad, and hopeful... all at once. I'm not scared to be a mom or to be pregnant. I'm scared to GET pregnant, and I'm scared to STAY pregnant. I'm frustrated that people all around us get pregnant and didn't even WANT another baby. (I had one former student's pregnant mom say to me, "You jinxed me by asking when I'd have another one. Every time I look down, I think about you." I hope she was joking, but damn, that hurt!) I'm sad that David and I are going on Year 3 of trying to have a baby and still don't have one. But, I'm hopeful... I'm hopeful that this will all change. I'm hopeful that I will be a mom. And I'm hopeful that this appointment on Thursday will yield the answers that I NEED it to answer.

More to come on Thursday.... And if you got all the way through this, kudos to you!

Knee Update and...

Knee Update

Well, I started Physical Therapy today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be but it definitely wasn't pleasant. Lots of burning, pulling, stinging... I found out my biggest problem: My quad muscle is very weak. It's almost 2 cm LESS than my right leg. He doesn't know if I necessarily lost it in the last few weeks or if it's been declining and that's why I'm hurting... But, that's where we're starting - with strengthening the quad and then going from there. We also have to calm my knee down from all the irritation from the last 2 months.

3 times a week for at least 3 weeks - about an hour each time - plus exercises at home 2 times a day and icing once. I'm still taking the Aleve, and he said that will help, but he Ultrasounded my knee today - he said that gets the "heat" deep, deep down and calm things down a little quicker. It was the only thing (besides the ice) that felt good!

Weigh Ins...

For the next 3 weeks, I won't be able to go to Weigh In. I have PT on Mon, Wed, and Thurs. Weigh In is Wednesday. I might be able to swing over to a site on Thursday, just to weigh in... but I'm sad. I'll miss my group! David will still go, though, so at least I can stay in the loop!

I'm disappointed about this. Right now, I'm still not exercising (other than what I do at PT), and I've been watching the scale go up. I got my butt back in gear the last couple days -- I'm going back down, slowly. Granted, I'm not above 190, but it's like "Oh.My.God! I CAN'T do this again!" EEK! So, I know it will be okay. By the time I go back, maybe I'll be down to my 180!

Family Pictures!

2 weeks ago, we had pictures taken with David's family. Did I tell you that? I can't remember... Either way, They are in!!!!! Check out her website:
http://www.heidikeenephotography.com
At the bottom, click on Clients and type the password: thereynolds
If you don't feel like looking - I'll put some of my favorites up when I get the CD in a few days. I'm SO excited. They all turned out AWESOME!

Adventures in Gardening

If you know anything about me, you know that I do not have a green thumb. In fact, it's probably black. Anything I've ever attempted to grow, I've killed. When we bought our house, there was an established garden. We left it on the outside of the fence "just in case" I ever decided to do a garden - we don't want the dogs messing with it!

Well, this year, I decided to give it a shot! My mom gave us our anniversary present early, and we used the money to get some gardening stuff. I got 4 tomato plants and 2 green pepper plants. So far, they're doing good. They are growing. I'm not very good at the weeding thing, so I have some work to do today.... I'm excited to have tomatoes and peppers this summer!!!!

So, the point of this post: I'm expanding my gardening skills! The owners of the shop got some herbs for their home. They had more than they needed, so I asked if I could have a few. The next thing I know, I have 8 plants - basil, oregano, 2 kinds of rosemary (creeping and the regular tall one), thyme, curry, sage, and chives! I planted each one in their own pot because supposedly (read, if I don't kill it) they will spread and grow on their own! The chives already need a "hair cut," so we may be using chives tonight in our grilled veggies! I can't believe that I WILLINGLY committed to growing something and by potting them seperately, I'm actually trying to KEEP them growing! Our kitchen window is perfect for growing herbs in the winter, so I should be able to have them all year round.

The owners also gave everybody working yesterday a hanging basket. We've had them for a while, and they aren't dying, but the hanging-basket-season is basically over. He would rather them go to a good home than to die in the greenhouse! So I got a beautiful basket with red geraniums and something white (who knows what!). I bought a shepherd's hook at Walmart and put it outside the front door. I think I want to get another hook for the other side of the porch and get matching hanging baskets next year!

When we bought the house, we had pretty nice landscaping - lots of hardy plants, shrubs, etc... I didn't do anything with them last year, and the dogs have eaten some of the plants and dug holes in the landscaping. But without anything, my peonies have started blooming - I haven't even watered them! I do want to rip up the majority of the landscaping in the back just because nobody can see it and the dogs just track the mulch and rocks into the house. I want to get some perennials or bulb plants for in the front. They will come up on their own with little help from me and add some nice colors!

We are looking into getting the huge pine trees in the front yard cut down. One of David's co-fire fighters owns a tree service, so we may be able to get a discount! These things have been here for ages and it's actually not safe - they are pretty close to the road and we can't see traffic coming one way because of them. Plus, I'm allergic to the pine, and we like having the windows open.

So, I'm becoming a gardener! The only thing I've killed are the things I haven't done anything with - and alot of our "pre-existing" landscaping came up on it's own. I can't wait to cook something with OUR herbs for the first time (hopefully some will get used tonight!).

And if you've read all the way through, I'm proud of you!! This was totally random but I'm avoiding mowing and cleaning the kitchen! David's family and my dad are coming over tonight to grill. Then, all of his extended family is getting together tomorrow at his uncles. Totally taking the wine and anxiety meds with me! Say a prayer that I survive and don't say anything that I might regret later! :-)

Weekly Weigh-In/Month in Review

Well, this week did not go as well as planned. I was up 1/2 lb from 2 weeks ago (when I was up 2 lbs). But, we had a tough week so I'm thankful it was only 1 lb. No, I'm not making excuses, but life happens. Here is how life happened to me:

* Monday night, David's mom made us dinner. BBQ ribs, green bean casserole, texas toast, and cobbler. The cobbler was the only thing healthy. I did okay, but not great.
*AF is also visiting this week, and I always feel like I'm starving mid-week. So, yesterday was my "starving" day - seriously. I ate like I hadn't eaten for days!
* Today was food day at work. If you are a teacher, you know what food days look like! We had sub sandwiches, "salads", chips, and desserts. I use the term salads lightly. There was one relatively healthy one - mixed greens, mandarin oranges, walnuts, and a balsamic dressing. Then, there were the others... I actually didn't have any of the others. But, I blew it at the desserts. I have a confession in case you haven't figured it out: I am a CHOCOHOLIC. And I'm proud of it. I can usually contain myself and choose healthy chocolate. But food days? Those are just asking for me to eat all the chocolate in the world!
* I looked at my weekly view - only 2 days I stayed at my daily points. I used 20 of my weekly points which is VERY high for me (usually only use 5 or less). But, my cobbler with "healthy" ice cream and wine addictions for the week were worth those points!

So, my month summary: I lost a total of 2 lbs. David said I still earned my reward because I lost 4.6 the first week but then gained the rest of the month (well, last week I didn't weigh in, but the other 2 weeks I gained). I'm 5.4 lbs from goal right now.

But, you know what? I'm okay with it. I'm okay with the fact that I had a bad month. You know why? Because this is a lifestyle. I can eat whatever the hell I feel like. Yeah, I need to watch my portions and make better choices some days... But, this is my life. I'm not going to deprive myself of the chocolate that looks good, or my glass of wine when I want it..... or even the spinach and artichoke dip! Because that's not life. That's a diet. And I'm sure not going to diet for the rest of my life!

Tonight's meeting was about carbohydrates. Any "diet" that tells you to get rid of a food group is bad, right? Weight Watchers is about choosing the healthy carbs and limiting the not-so-healthy carbs. I can do that! Yeah, I like my sugar and my Diet Coke. But, I don't drink 5 cans a day - hell, I don't drink 2 cans a day! And my sugar is usually limited to right before bed - I HAVE to have something sweet before bed. It's against everything I know NOT to! And I can do it! Why? Because this is a LIFESTYLE.

David got me my hungry monster tonight! I'm not sure where he'll end up but somewhere that will keep me from snacking on not-so-good things!

(They were out of the magnets, so I get one of those, too, when we get restocked.) We also got a few snacks and a new cookbook. The latest book is called Hit the Spot. It has an entire chapter dedicated to..... Chocolate!!! And another chapter just for other desserts! Plus other stuff. David is excited to be home next week so he can cook for me!

Speaking of David... He finally joined the 21st century and made a blog! Check it out here! He promised he will keep up with blogging his progress and other random things (although I am wordier than he is!).

In exercising news.... David and I went for our weekly morning workout today. We always meet on Wednesday mornings at the gym because he works Tuesday nights and I don't have any other time on Wednesday. I like to workout before weigh in, so this is when I do it. Don't get me wrong - I am NOT a morning person (just ask him!). But, I like working out with my husband, so I deal. Anyways.... I got on the elliptical this morning and my left knee started bothering me after only a few minutes. I tried moving my feet around because sometimes that helps. Not this time. It actually got worse. I had to stop after 10 minutes. David put me through HELL with some weight lifting for my arms, and I did a little bit of ab work. I'm definitely not up to par there yet - I was sore for about 2 hours around my incisions. But, my knee is still really hurting tonight. We bought an ace wrap and some Excedrin. Hopefully that and a little ice will help get me back going. I'm definitely taking a few days off of cardio - I will probably go lift weights tomorrow night - and hoping my knee feels better soon!

This is the knee I had surgery on 11 years ago, so I always get nervous when it hurts. It's not swollen, but it hurts all over - not in one particular spot. Who knows what I did... I did some stairs at the administration building yesterday and I'm wondering if I took one funny or something... Only time will tell! I'm on my feet so much, though, that I really need to get better quick!

Oh, and the March of Dimes on Sunday.... We were in a severe weather warning so they asked us to not walk. Some people did, but I'm not a good "wet walker." So, I drove to the gym and walked it on the treadmill! I did the 3 miles just like I would have at Mahoney. It would have been nice to do it outside, but at least I did it! And I'm already planning my next walk: Race for the Cure on October 4th!

So, this is has gotten really long, but one more thing... Baby related stuff... David is going to see the Urologist sometime in May - he is calling tomorrow. I'm increasing my Payflex contribution for next year so that we can get any treatments payed for pre-tax, and then have some left over for pregnancy and delivery. Right now, the time line is David gets on Clomid in June (possibly May depending on when he get in); 90 day test in August; try on our own September. If nothing, then we will do an IUI in October. And hopefully baby in July!

Oh, and one more thing... David's brother, Matt, joined the army about 9 months ago. He was stationed in New York (Ft. Drum), and was almost deployed a few weeks ago. Please say a prayer for him, his wife Tina, and their two young sons. It will be really tough on them because they are so far away from all family. Also, David's mom got some bad news at the doctor - her cancer continues to spread. He didn't really give her a time line, but she probably will not be here this time next year. So, prayers for her and our family during this time... She is a strong woman and has battled alot in her lifetime - I want her to continue so that she can meet her son's children!

Okay, now I'm really done. :-) Night Night!

Fun Sunday!

Well, I'm feeling human finally. My stomach is still doing "it's thing" and I have my appointment with my GP on Tuesday. The Miralax hasn't even helped today - nothing is moving, and I'm getting sick to my stomach when I eat. I just took an anti-nausea pill so I can eat in an hour or so!

But, anyways... I went with a friend to the local craft fair! I haven't been to one since I was little, and I had so much fun! I almost got myself into trouble - there was so much fun stuff! So, here is what I got:


Totally cute shirts for my nephews that says "my daddy is my hero." David's brother recently joined the military and is stationed at Ft. Dix. He has seen his papers and can go at anytime... they've been doing training missions to prepare them for Afghanistan or Iraq (I'm not sure where he'll be going). So, we got their two sons adorable shirts to wear!



This is really cool. It's a place mat on one side. On the other side, it's a chalk board. The cool thing? It lasts for forever - they had some sample ones that had been used for over 4 years! The matching bag has a snap so it can keep the box of chalk. Plus, turn it inside out and it becomes an eraser! Even better thing? It can go in the washing machine with towels so if the place mat gets dirty, it's okay. I'll be using this with my tutoring student and my classroom students as well. Can't wait!


This "wine" sign is really cool. The photographer takes pictures in Council Bluffs, Omaha, and Lincoln of different letters found naturally wherever she is. She custom makes stuff, and her interactive website is really fun to put stuff together and place your order. I want to get one with our last name soon! This company is going to be very dangerous for me, I can already tell!


I'm planning on hanging my sign on this wall, next to the wine cabinet. I'm going to get some hanging shelves - either black or the cherry color that the cabinet is - and put our wine glasses from various wineries on those shelves. So excited about my project!

My friend got a really cool purse and a bib to give her parents when she gets pregnant. FXed it gets given soon! :-)

"Wait and See"

So here's my vent post for the month. It will probably get long because I have alot of bottled up frustration..... Ready?

I went to see the GI specialist today. Guess what he said? Do this, wait a couple days, and we'll see what happens. Really? So this makes 3 doctors - 6 if you count ER doctors - who have basically told me to "wait and see" while I've been sick. So, I'm basically prepping for a colonoscopy without having the procedure. Dr. C told me I could mix the stuff with whatever I needed to so that I could tolerate it better. I mixed it with Sprite and that helped a little. But, I'm so flipping nauseous from it - I'm probably not drinking anymore of it, and I've only had 1/3 of it. I'm starting to gag as soon as I just smell the stuff in the glass. And yes, I tried plugging my nose. I can't swallow it like that - it irritates my gag reflex.

And because of all these damn doctors telling me to wait and see, we have to wait to have a baby. We will have to have a summer baby unless I (a) switch school districts to one who gives paid maternity leave separate from sick time or (b) wait 3 years to get 30 days of leave built back up. Even while trying to have a baby, it always seems like I'm waiting and seeing. We time having sex by doing OPKs and charting, and then we wait and see if it worked. When we started it was "wait a few months so your body can adjust to being off the pill and then see what happens." Once David started the Clomid it was "wait 3 months and see what happens." Seriously. I know having a baby isn't always a quick thing. Obviously, I understand that. We've been trying for over a year and a half. And now, we have to stop and wait and see if September will work for an IUI. David is waiting to go back on Clomid until April or May, giving us more than the 3 months of "waiting and seeing," but that gives us a window. He will also be taking the FertilAide daily starting in April. I'm going back to a regular prenatal, and then in August, I'll do the FertilAide but add anything that's "missing" from the prenatal since the formulas will be different.

We probably won't be going to California in June. I just don't think there's enough money in the budget. I lost one of my tutoring cases because his counselor - he's a foster kid - told the foster mom that he "had" to have somebody there consistently. I understand that. But, I'm pissed. That's $100 a week we're losing. The company told me they would get me another case when I was ready for it. So, I'm going to "enjoy" 2 quiet weeks with just my one case, and then I'll get another case. We owe the hospital so much money, plus we have credit card debt. We want to get out of debt, besides our house and student loans, so this it's probably better that we skip the reunion. But, I haven't seen my family in a long time, so I'm sad.

On the working page.... I spent 2 hard years working my ass off to get my ESL/ELL degree. But, because I'm not tenured, I have to wait until the summer and see if they will need an ESL/ELL teacher somewhere. I do like my school - not all the people, not all the time, but that's anywhere.... - but I feel like I'm wasting my master's degree doing Pre-K. I don't know if I should take stuff home at the end of the year or leave my stuff there. I know that it's still early - only the beginning of March - but I would love to know by the end of the school year. That way I could plan my school year easier!

Well, now that my stomach is in knots, my ass is on fire, and if you've actually made it through this, kudos to you! Thanks for listening! I'm done ranting about waiting and seeing. Hopefully my next post can be a little more optimistic!

Fun Day

David and I went to the gym tonight. I decided I wanted to brave a class and did Pilates. I was nervous, but excited. I've heard really good things about it, so thought I'd give it a shot. This particular instructor did everything really slow - really focused on the muscles. It felt really good - I know I'm going to be sore in the morning, but I think I'm getting back into the race! I can tone and relax at the same time! Next week, I'm going to add 30 min of cardio beforehand to get an all around good workout!

And.... my family's family reunion is being held this summer. The last reunion was the summer we got married, so obviously we didn't make it. It's in California - hotel is expensive, flights are insane. So, we decided to drive! We're leaving June 22 (Monday), driving out - getting there on Wednesday. Family reunion is the 22-28, but the "big stuff" is the weekend. Then, we'll leave the 29th and drive home. There is so much to do - hiking cliffs by the ocean, wineries, horseback riding on the beach...... OMG, I am SO excited! We're gonna start saving today so that we have lots of fun money! We're really hoping that we can announce we're pregnant at the family reunion. If not, that's okay. We're still able to see family, 90% of them David hasn't met, and have an awesome time. (The winery won't be much fun if I'm knocked up!)

David got an MP3 player tonight. I get to get one next week. So, when we go to the gym and nothing's on TV, we have something to listen to. He's up adding songs already. I can't wait to get mine!!!!

So, even though it was a LONG day at work, my night was awesome. I really liked the pilates class - I feel like a totally different person now - and I'm so excited about California! That's all for now... more to come soon, I'm sure!

I graduated!

Well, I officially graduated with my Masters of Science in Education (concentrating in ESL/ELL) from UNO on Friday. My last two grades aren't in yet, but I know I passed them both!

I didn't make my personal challenge of getting to a size 12, but with David's accident and all the other stress, it's okay. The biggest thing for me was when we went shopping. I didn't have to guess what size to wear or go to the Women's section. 2 of the 3 dresses fit perfect ~ the one that didn't had a belt at the waist and my torso is so long that those types of dresses don't work well.

Here are some pics:

My dress! I felt so good in it!!


My daddy and I. Yes, at 26 years old, I am still the biggest daddy's girl in the world! He has supported me in everything - mistake or not - and is such a wonderful role model for me.


David and I! He gave me his jacket when I had to turn my gown in and then walk to the car. He does love me! :-)


The Masters' gowns had these wing like things so I kept saying I felt like Bat Man! As we were going from the basement of the Civic to the auditorium, I texted David and said "We're leaving the Bat Cave!" He laughed.


David's mom got me a cake. I ate way more of it than I should have, but, hell, it was my graduation! We tried to send it home with her but she wouldn't take it. It will probably end up getting thrown away because we won't be able to finish it!

So, now I have to figure out what to do in my spare time! David is going to finish his RN degree which should take about 2 years. Hopefully we'll get pregnant before he finishes and maybe I'll go back for my administration certificate...... But, for now, I'm going to enjoy relaxing and keeping my house clean!

Cycle 19

Obviously, with David's car accident, our chances of getting pregnant this month were pretty slim. But, I always have hope, you know?

Tomorrow is David's birthday; Graduation is Friday; Christmas is less than 2 weeks away. How perfect to surprise everybody and say we're pregnant?

Nope. My body had a different plan for me. AF showed up - no moodiness, no cramping, no acne, no low energy.... just up and showed up. I thought maybe, just maybe, this could actually be the month. Don't we fucking deserve it?

Oh, and all those things that I usually get? Yeah, they hit - every single one of them about 3:00 this afternoon. Seriously, I went to the bathroom, and as I was washing my hands, I looked in the mirror. My face looked like Blackhead Mountain or something - but this morning I was fine!

David's birthday is still tomorrow, and we're going to make the best of it. I've shown him his surprise. We're going to the Holiday Light's Festival Family Festival! Even though he has lived in Council Bluffs all of his life, he has never been to Durham Heritage Museum or Joslyn Art Museum. We can get into BOTH for free, plus tons of other places tomorrow from 12-5! He is really excited, so at least I can give him that.

We are also going to pick out a new Christmas tree (artificial) and run a few other errands.

David's mom's dog is doing well with the puppies. I should post pictures - they are getting so big! The biggest one weights 2 lbs 1 oz and the smallest weighs 1 lb 8 oz. We couldn't believe it! It's my job to find homes for 3 of them, and the mom is starting to wean a little early. So, I'm trying to teach Jeanne (MIL) how to feed them so that I don't have to come over as much during the week. These puppies are awesome and SO FLIPPING CUTE. I would take them all home if I didn't already have the 6-pack and if they didn't shed.

Maybe tomorrow I'll post their pics.

Considering my husband is snoring on the couch, I think it's probably time for the monsters to go to bed and for us to be close behind. And the first cycle of 2009 WILL be my BFP.

Thanksgiving Dinner

A little early.... but we had David's family over for dinner. Matt, my Brother-in-law, is being stationed in New York in a couple weeks, so we had to do dinner early. It was originally supposed to be a "mom will do everything" dinner, but it turned into we did 90% of it. She bought everything, but we cooked it all.

But, here are some random pictures:
One year, my sister taught me how to brine my turkey. Basically, you soak it overnight in a bunch of stuff. The mixture was a little bit of salt (rubbed on the turkey), 2 oranges and 2 lemons cut in wedges, 1 onion cut in wedges, and whatever herbs I wanted to use (I think it was thyme, rosemary, sage, and basil). Oh, and lots of water. It sits in the bag overnight:



When it's time to cook, I do a little extra than most people. I put (clean) herbs all over the turkey - my dad says it looks like I'm camoflauging it! Plus, I squeeze some of the oranges and lemons over it to add a little juice. 3 sticks of unsweetened butter and boxed stuffing and you get:



Our 3-year old and 6 month old nephews were over as well. Dominic came over early - with Grandma - and played with puppies the whole time. They LOVED it! Jazz was the only one not too sure, but she was fine until he tried to pick her up. When the baby got here, Chewy thought he was pretty cool. Nicky didn't like it when Chewy left though, and started crying. Nobody could calm him down, but when Chewy went back over to him, he started smiling!

After everybody left, here's what the dogs were doing:

Jazz and Max were snuggling - Max is really hard to see behind Jazzy's big head!


Chewy was PASSED OUT in the office!

We all survived dinner. We had lots of yummy food and some really good wine from James Arthur Vineyard! We had Two Brothers, Snowy Egret, and Traminette (all 3 semi-sweet whites ~ so yummy!).

Check in!

Well, I turned my comps in last night. That headache is over. Now, I just wait for the answer. If I don't pass all 3 questions, I don't graduate in December. If I do pass, then I graduate. There are 3 readers for each question ~ all are professors at the University, but they don't tell us who they are. Very scary.

David and I went to Kansas City this weekend to see my mom. She bought tickets to Lion King ~ the Broadway version. I have a couple pics on my camera that I will share later. You aren't supposed to take pictures, and David said that a red light showed from the front of my camera, even with the flash off, so I stopped. Very, very, very cool! It was so life-like, I couldn't get enough of it. David thought it was going to be stupid, but he fell asleep last night STILL talking about it!

We should find out in a couple days about the house closing. We had to switch banks (the other one was taken over), so the Underwriting process started again. It only takes 2-3 days though, so we should know by Friday. Then we can close next week! It came back first time "approval pending conditions." Basically, they wanted to know what our budget looks like ~ that we can afford it ~ and questioned a little bit of David's employment (someone wrote down a date wrong, so it looked like there was a gap).

I guess that's about it. I will go to weigh-in Thursday night, and will hopefully post a loss. Not sure though because this weekend was full of bad food choices. But, maybe I can hit the gym tonight and Wednesday night.

Me Time

*Disclaimer: This may be one of the more depressing "reports" I've had for a while. Don't read it if you plan on judging me for my feelings.*

Life has been CRAZY the last month or so. We got the house and moved in. But, we have yet to close. We've been here for 3 weeks now. He keeps saying "we should get the approval tomorrow" or "oh, they need updated pay stubs," and "now it came back and we just have one more step before the approval." When the FUCK is the damn approval coming? Because, seriously, this is getting old. The owner/realtor/mortgage broker says "I know we'll close. Don't worry." Seriously? I'm living in YOUR house, trying to make it MY HOME. How am I supposed to not worry?

Then, we find out the septic tank ~ reminder, we live in the county, not the city, so no sewer line ~ hasn't been inspected or drained in 4 years. Supposedly, the inspector "checked" it, but obviously not. So, we paid for it to be cleaned, the owner paid for some repair. But, then, they find a second tank with no lid/riser (I guess this is a bad thing?). They go in to fix that, and find that the 2nd tank has 2 compartments - tack on more money. Luckily, we haven't closed yet, so the owner is splitting it. But, still. Lots of flipping money we weren't expecting.

David is working ~ I love him for what he does ~ but damn, I miss him. We're having friends over tomorrow night, which will be so much fun. But, at the same time, I'm stressed. What if they don't like the house? Is it clean enough? Will we have enough food/alcohol? The list goes on....

So, I'm trying to clean, and the dogs are helping me out, oh so much. They decided to get into some mail (not sure where from) and destroy it in the living room while I cleaned our bedroom and worked on the office.

I've been stressed anyways. I hurt my toe at work yesterday. I had a really heavy workload for class this week, and now I'm behind for my reading. I get my Comp questions on Monday ~ this decides whether or not I graduate in December, but no pressure, right?

Wednesday, my 16 year old nephew was almost killed. He fell on a set of antlers that my mother in law is stupid enough to keep as a "souvenier" from a car accident (obviously car vs. deer) about 5 years ago. The antler barely missed his spine. Luckily, David's dad was smart enough to call David before he pulled the damn thing out. David obviously said "don't," and happened to be at our old house, so less than 5 minutes away. They took him to the hospital, and he came home a few hours later. He's fine, but obviously in pain. Very scary. And now my mother in law thinks that we need to feel sorry for HER because SHE feels bad it happened. Um, no. I'll feel sorry for my nephew, but you're the dumbass to keep the damn things laying around on the floor when there are other young children in the house who might not be so lucky!

I haven't been to a WW meeting in 2 weeks. We've been too busy, and I haven't been able to squeeze it in. And I'm going back to my old habits ~ emotional eating. I've done really good managing this. I allow myself the extras to keep from binging... but, this week, it seems like I've forgotten all that I have learned! I had 2 doughnuts and 2 glasses of juice for breakfast, 3 slices of pizza and salad for lunch (at least I had salad), and then some frozen shit out of the box for dinner. Oh, and 3 drinks because I "needed" them. What am I doing to myself? I LOVE the way I'm looking these days ~ and people notice, and I feel healthy! ~ but at the first sign of stress, I go back to the OLD ME.

I want a baby. So. Fucking. Bad. It hurts. It's killing me. We thought maybe next month, but now with everything going on... My period started yesterday (to add to the stress, now I have hormones). Last night in my child abuse class, we talked about increased risk of physical abuse/neglect. Mothers with emotional "disease" was one of them. I'm on medicine for my anxiety. Am I destined to hurt my baby that I want SO FUCKING BAD????? This scares me so bad. But, I go off the medicine, and I'm a completely different person. And not in a good way.

So, I called my dr's office. This anxiety attack is really bad. I haven't had one like this in a long time ~ I mean, hell, I'm venting to you on an internet site. I know some people will think that I'm this horrible person and that David deserves better than me (refer to previous blog about being in high school), but I don't care anymore. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back ~ maybe I can take an extra pill tonight.

*Second Disclaimer ~ I did NOT go back and proof this, and just ranted off a whole lot of feelings. Thanks for being the sounding board. I promise next post will be better!*

Randomness...

It's been about a week, so I figured I'd give you all the updates, however boring they may be.

1. Still haven't closed on the house. Getting there, but we have to be patient. At least the owner let us move in!

2. Mom was up this weekend with her 2 dogs. We actually got all the dogs to sit on the couch together ~ once I have a copy I'll show you. It looked cute, so we'll see. Mom helped us unpack the kitchen and bought us a table for a housewarming present. It looks awesome in the kitchen area.

3. I found my camera. Can't find the computer cord. Will hopefully find it tonight when I try to finish unpacking the office. Then you get pictures (which I have taken!).

4. Still having some pain from surgery. Went to see the surgeon yesterday. Dr. Scott said everything feels fine, and some pain is still "okay."

5. We were hoping to talk to the OBGYN about doing an IUI next month, but with everything else going on, we are postponing yet another month. We keep praying for the miracle, but with David working so far away and for so many days in a row, it's not likely to happen.

6. Haven't been to Weight Watchers for a couple weeks. Still watching what I eat and exercising (well, if moving is exercising). Haven't been to the gym because of the distance and pain (see #4). I'll go next Thursday and see how I've done on my own.

I guess that's about it. Things are so up in the air, and I'm trying to remain calm and just have faith. David inspires me everyday ~ he takes it all in stride and doesn't let it get to him. I don't know where I would be without him in my life.

Oh, joy!

WEll, I'm already in a bad mood from prepping for the colonoscopy. Let me tell you: this is NOT fun! #1, I couldn't eat all day. #2, at 5:00, I had to start drinking the most god-awfulest, nastiest, SHIT in the entire world. They give you flavor packets that do NOTHING except make it smell a little better. I only got 2/3s of it down, but from my understanding of what is coming out of my ass right now, I'm cleaned out and ready to go.

So, my mom calls me around 6:00 to tell me my cousin is in labor. Goody. This is the girl who was raised with a silver spoon in her mouth. Her husband had even more spoons in his mouth growing up, and now they are one happy silver-spooned family. I try to be nice and pretend like I care. I try to pretend like it doesn't break my heart that WE weren't the ones bringing a child into the world tonight. But, either I'm a really good faker or my mom just doesn't give a rat's ass that this is killing me.

Baby Liberty ~ that's her first name ~ was born by c-section about 2 hours ago. They named her Liberty because her uncle (my other cousin) is in the Air Force, and they are so proud of him. Okay, I admire that. But, seriously? Liberty?? I pray they call her Libby so she doesn't get the shit beat out of her when she grows up!

I don't think this was a planned pregnancy. She made a comment at the anniversary party: "Women's bodies are resilient things!" followed by a *slight* giggle and rub of her belly. Oh, and her oh-so-adoring husband went on a 4-day surfing trip with his dad 2 weeks ago. Seriously? If David were to do something like that when I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant, I would probably file for divorce! She wants to go to work. I think this is hilarious. Her mom - my aunt - has not worked a day since my other cousin was born. He's 6 months older than me. So, she has not worked for almost 27 years! And now her daughter wants to "go to work and let some stranger raise my granddaughter!" Oh the horror.

So, yeah. That was the excitement of my night. Welcome to the world, Liberty. Hopefully you will have a your-generation cousin soon. Then maybe I'll be able to celebrate your birth the way I probably should.