Me Time

*Disclaimer: This may be one of the more depressing "reports" I've had for a while. Don't read it if you plan on judging me for my feelings.*

Life has been CRAZY the last month or so. We got the house and moved in. But, we have yet to close. We've been here for 3 weeks now. He keeps saying "we should get the approval tomorrow" or "oh, they need updated pay stubs," and "now it came back and we just have one more step before the approval." When the FUCK is the damn approval coming? Because, seriously, this is getting old. The owner/realtor/mortgage broker says "I know we'll close. Don't worry." Seriously? I'm living in YOUR house, trying to make it MY HOME. How am I supposed to not worry?

Then, we find out the septic tank ~ reminder, we live in the county, not the city, so no sewer line ~ hasn't been inspected or drained in 4 years. Supposedly, the inspector "checked" it, but obviously not. So, we paid for it to be cleaned, the owner paid for some repair. But, then, they find a second tank with no lid/riser (I guess this is a bad thing?). They go in to fix that, and find that the 2nd tank has 2 compartments - tack on more money. Luckily, we haven't closed yet, so the owner is splitting it. But, still. Lots of flipping money we weren't expecting.

David is working ~ I love him for what he does ~ but damn, I miss him. We're having friends over tomorrow night, which will be so much fun. But, at the same time, I'm stressed. What if they don't like the house? Is it clean enough? Will we have enough food/alcohol? The list goes on....

So, I'm trying to clean, and the dogs are helping me out, oh so much. They decided to get into some mail (not sure where from) and destroy it in the living room while I cleaned our bedroom and worked on the office.

I've been stressed anyways. I hurt my toe at work yesterday. I had a really heavy workload for class this week, and now I'm behind for my reading. I get my Comp questions on Monday ~ this decides whether or not I graduate in December, but no pressure, right?

Wednesday, my 16 year old nephew was almost killed. He fell on a set of antlers that my mother in law is stupid enough to keep as a "souvenier" from a car accident (obviously car vs. deer) about 5 years ago. The antler barely missed his spine. Luckily, David's dad was smart enough to call David before he pulled the damn thing out. David obviously said "don't," and happened to be at our old house, so less than 5 minutes away. They took him to the hospital, and he came home a few hours later. He's fine, but obviously in pain. Very scary. And now my mother in law thinks that we need to feel sorry for HER because SHE feels bad it happened. Um, no. I'll feel sorry for my nephew, but you're the dumbass to keep the damn things laying around on the floor when there are other young children in the house who might not be so lucky!

I haven't been to a WW meeting in 2 weeks. We've been too busy, and I haven't been able to squeeze it in. And I'm going back to my old habits ~ emotional eating. I've done really good managing this. I allow myself the extras to keep from binging... but, this week, it seems like I've forgotten all that I have learned! I had 2 doughnuts and 2 glasses of juice for breakfast, 3 slices of pizza and salad for lunch (at least I had salad), and then some frozen shit out of the box for dinner. Oh, and 3 drinks because I "needed" them. What am I doing to myself? I LOVE the way I'm looking these days ~ and people notice, and I feel healthy! ~ but at the first sign of stress, I go back to the OLD ME.

I want a baby. So. Fucking. Bad. It hurts. It's killing me. We thought maybe next month, but now with everything going on... My period started yesterday (to add to the stress, now I have hormones). Last night in my child abuse class, we talked about increased risk of physical abuse/neglect. Mothers with emotional "disease" was one of them. I'm on medicine for my anxiety. Am I destined to hurt my baby that I want SO FUCKING BAD????? This scares me so bad. But, I go off the medicine, and I'm a completely different person. And not in a good way.

So, I called my dr's office. This anxiety attack is really bad. I haven't had one like this in a long time ~ I mean, hell, I'm venting to you on an internet site. I know some people will think that I'm this horrible person and that David deserves better than me (refer to previous blog about being in high school), but I don't care anymore. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back ~ maybe I can take an extra pill tonight.

*Second Disclaimer ~ I did NOT go back and proof this, and just ranted off a whole lot of feelings. Thanks for being the sounding board. I promise next post will be better!*

Recipe Review

Well, I was going to post this really yummy recipe I make, but then I looked back and saw I had already posted about it: Overnight Scrambled Egg Bake.

I was talking to a coworker a few days ago and said "I have treats on Friday." She goes, "You HAVE to make the casserole you made last year!" I know it's yummy, and it's really easy also, but I didn't think it was THAT good! But, in looking at the work room this afternoon, there is one piece of the one with ham and 1/2 a piece of the one with sausage. Obviously, they liked it!

And since I'm on a MAC, and I can't actually link stuff right now (and I'll forget), I'm reposting it for you now:
Servings: 8
Preparation Time: 10 min
Cooking Time: 60 min
Level of Difficulty: Easy

Ingredients
16 oz fat-free egg substitute
12 oz fat-free evaporated milk
6 slice white bread, or potato bread (Or you could probably use wheat and make it a little healthier yet)
6 oz extra-lean ham (I also did one with Turkey Sausage, and doubled the sausage. I also cooked and drained it before putting it in the casserole)
1 cup low-fat shredded cheddar cheese

Instructions
** Coat a 9x13 inch baking pan with cooking spray
** Beat eggs well and add milk
** Place bread on bottom of baking pan.
** Toss ham and cheese over bread. (If you do turkey sausage, cook, drain and cool before putting it over the bread)
** Pour egg mixture over top.
** Cover with foil and refrigerate overnight.

** Bake covered egg mixture at 350 for 45 minutes. Remove foil and bake for an additional 15 minutes.

For Weight Watchers People: POINTS® Value: 7 (I'm not exactly sure what the points would be for the doubled turkey; probably not much different though)

Randomness...

It's been about a week, so I figured I'd give you all the updates, however boring they may be.

1. Still haven't closed on the house. Getting there, but we have to be patient. At least the owner let us move in!

2. Mom was up this weekend with her 2 dogs. We actually got all the dogs to sit on the couch together ~ once I have a copy I'll show you. It looked cute, so we'll see. Mom helped us unpack the kitchen and bought us a table for a housewarming present. It looks awesome in the kitchen area.

3. I found my camera. Can't find the computer cord. Will hopefully find it tonight when I try to finish unpacking the office. Then you get pictures (which I have taken!).

4. Still having some pain from surgery. Went to see the surgeon yesterday. Dr. Scott said everything feels fine, and some pain is still "okay."

5. We were hoping to talk to the OBGYN about doing an IUI next month, but with everything else going on, we are postponing yet another month. We keep praying for the miracle, but with David working so far away and for so many days in a row, it's not likely to happen.

6. Haven't been to Weight Watchers for a couple weeks. Still watching what I eat and exercising (well, if moving is exercising). Haven't been to the gym because of the distance and pain (see #4). I'll go next Thursday and see how I've done on my own.

I guess that's about it. Things are so up in the air, and I'm trying to remain calm and just have faith. David inspires me everyday ~ he takes it all in stride and doesn't let it get to him. I don't know where I would be without him in my life.

Moved in!

Well, I was hoping to have more pictures... but someone put my camera in a box (it was on the desk), so I need to find it.

But, we did get most things moved. Still have the kitchen and bathroom to do, but we're getting there! And we got the majority of the fence up last night. Last few panels will go on tonight, and then the dogs can move to their new home. Oh, and I got curtains and a trashcan with a lid (so Allie can't get into trouble).

I slept there last night ~ it was kind of weird being in a big house by myself, but it was WONDERFUL!!!!! One of these nights David will have off and he will get to sleep there too (I think maybe Saturday?).

So, I will hopefully find my camera and take pictures tonight. No internet at home until Wednesday though, so you have to wait until then for the pics. Sorry! The mac at work doesn't download pictures to the internet right. :-(

Closing is moved back...

Well, the Fates were against us. Everything that could stalled got stalled. First, the district "lost" their request to verify my employment. Then, they found a form that we needed to sign. Then, they found another thing we needed to fix (regarding the "old" house). And finally, yesterday afternoon, they decided to question how David can work 2 full-time jobs! So, no closing tomorrow....

We should close next week, hopefully Tuesday or Wednesday. And the owner is letting us move stuff in on Sunday (the house is sitting empty and he doesn't want that!).

It just all adds to the stress that's going on right now. I keep trying to remember to breath. I don't want to be the teacher that I was last year: I hate that teacher. I'm trying to be a good wife, friend, teacher, student,................. And I want to be a good Mother! We're still not sure when that's gonna happen. We know when the time is right we will know it. But, damn it, I want to be a mom. I want to hold a life that I created with my husband in my arms.

We've taken a couple weeks off Weight Watchers again. My timing because of classes is thrown off, but hopefully next week we will get back! We've probably both gained a couple pounds again, but maybe not. Things will settle down, we'll go back, and we'll make it stick!

So, Sunday I will hopefully have some new pictures of the house ~ the inside! I'll keep you posted!