Picture Frames

Warning: this may be a very depressing yet hopeful fertility-related post!

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A friend of mine let me borrow a book recently... I read it in 2 nights. It was amazing, sad, hopeful... everything!

The Empty Picture Frame by Jenna Currier Nadeau. She writes, with her husband's "contributions" about their struggle with infertility. Their "problem" was her. Not male infertility like David and I struggle with.. but I think any "infertile" has the same feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams, and nightmares. If you struggle with infertility, or know anybody who does, you need to read this book. NOW.

One thing I got out of this book... Journal. I'm going to start blogging more so that I can share with our babies -- however many we can be blessed with -- the struggles. And show them how loved they are before they've even implanted themselves into me!

So, tonight, I went to David's mom's house. They just moved back to town and she's so happy that she has her house set up. She's been telling me how she has the "family wall" and the "Day and Panda wall" (our nicknames) and the "Matt and Tina and kids wall". So, I knew there were going to be many pictures hanging up.. Big deal, right?

Matt is David's brother and he and his wife have been blessed with 3 beautiful children. They are all under 4 and none were exactly planned. When their oldest was less than a week old, they were both able to sleep through his cries. when he was 2 weeks old, she started propping his bottle at night so that she could sleep with fewer interruptions. His first ear infection... David's mom let the baby sleep in her room because "I can just tell they are exhausted." WTF? They are parents now! They need to raise their children -- not stay up until 3:00 in the morning, drinking, smoking, and partying. Their second child? The first child got to stay in mother in law's room permanently. Because heaven forbid she actually raise her kids. They are both addicted to the tv - at less than 4 yrs old, they can both sit through an entire 90 minute movie. And the movies they watch? Scary movies -- like movies that scare ME. Granted, I scare easily. But some of these movies scare David! The oldest can say "Cover your eyes Manna, this part is scary and the monsters are coming." Seriously???? The youngest is about to be 7 months old and JUST started rolling over. Why? Because she was never anywhere but her bouncy-seat or car seat. Again, propped bottles and TV babysitting. She doesn't need rocked to fall asleep -- she needs the TV on.

So, back to the picture frames... Their "wall" is right above the TV. So, of course, as I'm watching a show with everybody, I get to look at their faces -- their happy family pictures - tons of them. A family pic from when the first and second were born, and a couple pictures of the new baby (David's brother is in Iraq right now so no family pictures yet). But you know what I noticed? They were not smiling! The kids were laughing and obviously having a good time. But their parents? They looked miserable.

How can you be blessed with beautiful children and NOT be happy???? So, I got to stew about this for 2 hours before I finally gave up. I made an excuse to head home, and left... I'm bitter, I'm angry. Why can THEY have 3 children -- they got married while she was pregnant with their first -- and David and I don't have one? Neither has been able to hold a stable job until he joined the military. David's brother never graduated high school. His wife did and her "college" was one that you hear on the radio - "I completed my program in 9 short months and I am the happiest I've ever been!" Guess what? She couldn't handle it. She dropped out after her second class.

I have lots of picture frames around the house... On one wall, I have a couple wedding pictures hung. For Christmas, I made a collage of family pics that we had done back in September. In another spot, I have the picture that my mom gave us for Christmas a few years ago with our dogs and her 2. Oh, and in the kitchen I have a picture of a bottle of wine with a glass -- a memory from one of our wine weekends.

And in the closet, hiding... I have empty frames. Those frames will have pictures of babies -- our babies. But when? My heart breaks everytime David's mom mentions my sister in law or the kids. I want to cry. They need to be loved. They need to be cared for.

Now, for the happy part of the post! On Thursday, we meet with the RE! I've heard good things about Dr. O, and I'm very excited - but scared - to see what she has to say.

#1 - I want my progesterone checked. I just have this deep down gut feeling that mine is off. My luteal phase is short, and my mom's was low. Also, my grandma had multiple miscarriages -- back then, they didn't test things like this. But, with mom's history, chances are, grandma had low progesterone also.

#2 - We are going for an IUI in July. David's numbers aren't much better, so we are going with donor sperm. (And I only tell you, my followers, because only a handful of you know me in real life, and if you do, I trust you enough to keep our "secret") We can't afford the IVF w/ ICSI (sperm injection), so we're going to try this... and pray.

So, I'm scared, frustrated, sad, and hopeful... all at once. I'm not scared to be a mom or to be pregnant. I'm scared to GET pregnant, and I'm scared to STAY pregnant. I'm frustrated that people all around us get pregnant and didn't even WANT another baby. (I had one former student's pregnant mom say to me, "You jinxed me by asking when I'd have another one. Every time I look down, I think about you." I hope she was joking, but damn, that hurt!) I'm sad that David and I are going on Year 3 of trying to have a baby and still don't have one. But, I'm hopeful... I'm hopeful that this will all change. I'm hopeful that I will be a mom. And I'm hopeful that this appointment on Thursday will yield the answers that I NEED it to answer.

More to come on Thursday.... And if you got all the way through this, kudos to you!

Catching Up!

Last night a friend and I were talking. Before she signed off, she said "PS. Update your blog." So, Becca, you asked for it!

David and I have been in a whirlwind the last month. Things are going great! We had a slight breakdown and huge blow-out fight. We re-did our budget and we are doing really good. For the first time in AGES, we've actually had money in our account to last between paychecks.

Baby Making

We've also approached a new level of infertility. We know that IUI will not get us pregnant. Yeah, it would get the swimmers closer, but David's numbers are still low - there is "hope" that someday, they will get better. But what is someday? We are looking at IVF with ICSI - this means that the sperm is directly injected into the egg. But, this is extremely expensive.

Another option that has never really been an option but is kind of an option now -- donor sperm. David has always been very against this thought - it wouldn't be his child. I've never really thought of it as an option - it just seems cold to me. But, David told me that he is okay with the possibility. We want to have a baby, to be a family, and this may be our best option.

We have alot of thinking to do, and we meet with a fertility specialist later this month. We have alot of thinking to do. Plus, I talked to my mom and found out that my grandma had multiple miscarriages and so did she. They know her problem was progesterone - they didn't do testing back in the 40s when my grandma was having problems, but she could have had the same problem. So, we will probably be testing my progesterone levels....

Regardless of what we do, we can't do any procedures until September or October. We are going to use some of my flex spending to do the procedure, and that doesn't renew until then.

I really struggled over Mother's Day this weekend. I'm not sure why this year was so much harder than years past. And I can't really put my finger on it. Maybe it was the numerous people saying "Happy Mother's Day" to me. When I say, Oh, I'm not a mom. They just look at me and smile. Maybe it was the newly pregnant friend who said, "You know, you and Dave got married before us. When are you gonna have a baby?" Maybe it was just PMS... Who knows.

Weight Loss

My weight journey has definitely been a roller coaster. I wanted to get back down to 190 before our anniversary. I don't think it's really going to happen - I've been doing alot of emotional eating lately. But, my new goal is to get down to 190 before my 10 year class reunion. That's June 26. I can do it!

I need to start over at the basics - writing food down, exercising, drinking water, getting the daily requirements of veggies, fruits, grains, etc... I can do it!!!! Keep me accountable.

So, that's pretty much my update... Lots of ups and ups - no real 'downs'. We're doing our best to stay ahead, and praying for our future. I promise to get better about blogging!

We're BAAA-aaack

David and I got back from our cruise this morning. We docked in Galveston yesterday morning, and after a LONG wait through Customs, we got in the van and headed home.

The cruise was absolutely amazing. We left Friday afternoon after I got off work and drove through a snow storm to get to Galveston Saturday morning. We had one day at sea, then a day at Progresso (on the Yucatan peninsula), a day at Cozumel, and then another day at sea. We docked Thursday morning, and then dealt with 2 detours, a sleeping break because neither of us could stay awake anymore, and a slight van break down! (Spark plugs and a coil pack needed replaced - lucky that my husband is handy with cars!)

So, here are a few pictures... We took 244 pictures, so obviously I'm not going to show you them all. But, here are a few highlights that aren't in any order because the Blogger uploader reverses them and I'm too lazy to change it!


On the beach at Progresso


Captain's Celebration night - this was in the Blue Saphhire lounge before the nightly show.


Together at dinner.


Out on the sun deck!

Love my toes, love the water.

David and I waiting to get off the boat on Thursday (told you this was out of order!)


Drinking at Cozumel - we did the Mexican Cuisine excursion. Beach time and cooking lesson with completely open bar!


David and the assistant chef, Moises


David and I before getting started on our cooking lesson

David and I at the beach in Cozumel.

Our last night on the ship. David bought me roses and chocolate covered strawberries. What a nice surprise and an awesome evening.


My handsome husband on our last evening.

I didn't get down to my goal weight of 190 but I was comfortable and that's what matters. Also, my knee was great! I only did the exercises the first night and morning at sea. I also had to do them the night at Cozumel because we did alot of walking and I was sore. But, really, I did pretty well overall.

David has already decided we are going to go again - I'm hoping we can go again next year over spring break! We had a blast, and it was great to be able to reconnect with my husband again. We haven't had a week together, stuck together with no interruptions, in so long. I honestly don't remember the last time that happened - maybe last summer? But there are always phones and computers... this week, those weren't even available! How perfect could it be???

Anyways. I'm scared to get on the scale tomorrow. I know that I gained weight - one of the skirts I took on the trip did not fit by Night 4! Oops! I will get on the scale tomorrow and will begin fighting the battle again. Hopefully I can get down to 190 and stay there!!!!

Worth the number

As you all know, I've been working my butt off to get my weight back to 190. Well, first, I wanted to get down to 185. But, I was realizing that I was having to starve myself and to get there without working out. And with my knee, I can't workout like I did when I got to 185.

So, my goal is 190. For the last 9 days, I've been writing down my weight instead of just weighing myself. I found out that I am averaging at 195. The days I work out and eat great, I go down a little. The days I eat good and don't work out, I go up a little. The days I don't eat good (even just a doughnut!), I'm up alot! But, averaging... I'm at 195.

Here's the problem though. I like the number 190. My doctor likes the number 190. Weight Watchers accepts the number 190. But my body? Does IT like 190? Or does it like 195?

My clothes fit fine at 195, I look fine in the mirror. But is a number really all that important? What does the number mean? Is that number WORTH having to workout 5-6 days a week? Is that number WORTH not being able to have a doughnut, bagel, or pizza night with my husband?

I'm going to keep trying for the 190. I WANT the 190. I'm going to record my weight every day for the month - write it down, not just keep it in my head - and average it. If I see that I can get down to 190 and stay there, great! If not, I will start accepting 195. Because of the cruise, I will also keep written track in April and see what happens.

I'm not writing down what I eat anymore - I know i SHOULD. But, that's another one of those 'worth it' things - Is it WORTH writing down every single bite for the rest of my life JUST for a number? But, I know when enough is enough. If I start to binge or stress eat, I write it down until things get better. But, for the long term? I just don't know right now if it's WORTH it just for a number.

And if you made it all the way through this, way to go! And give me your thoughts - is it all worth it for a number? Or just how you feel?

Quick Update

I had Physical Therapy this week, and all is well! I continue to only reposition 2 times a day, and my resistance level is at an 8. Well, Mike said "Lower to 7." Um, okay. I won't lie - I was nervous. Remember, this was when I had issues at the beginning of January. So, I lowered to 7, he took out a couple exercises and changed a few others, and I had NO problems during my workout!

Because it went so well, I don't have to go back for 3 weeks!!!!!! That's right! I don't go back until St. Patty's Day (the day before I have a hair appointment and the day after he isn't there). So, I've continued the Level 7 and exercises and I'm doing well. I was a little sore yesterday but I didn't do my exercises Thursday night because I didn't get home late. As long as I don't skip my exercises, I'm fine!

Also, David and I bit the bullet and joined a new gym. Our membership is almost up at Anytime Fitness. While we both really like the gym and being able to come and go as we please, there are a few things that it doesn't have that I want -- and really, NEED.

We joined the YMCA yesterday! They don't have a contract and my district has an agreement with the Y to wave the initiation fee! For the same price as Anytime, we get more equipment, lots of different fitness classes - 50 different kinds! And.... The Pool!!!! That's right! I have a pool now AND they have water aerobics classes that fit into my schedule! I will be able to exercise more and get back into shape and not stress my knee. The only thing that sucks is the hours are limited, but David thinks he'll still be able to go the days he's home.

So, tomorrow, I'm off to the gym. The puppies and I are going to spend a little quality time together tonight and get a little cleaning done. Then, tomorrow, I am going to do a little biking and treadmill time. I know that this membership will help me lose my last 8 lbs before the cruise and be in much better shape than I am now!

Valentine's Day has come and gone...

I can't believe it's been just about 6 weeks since my last post. Sorry! Things have been crazy around here lately, and I just realized I basically disappeared for 6 weeks. So, let's see if I can get you caught up...

The Knee...
It's there! After being released for light cardio, I got my resistance lowered all the way to a 7! And then PT told me to cut down my wear-time. So, I did. Well, then I did one thing too many (as I often do), and ended up back at Level 9, wearing it most of the day, and no workouts.

Now, we're back down to Level 8 and I'm only wearing it 1 1/2 hrs at a time. Also, I've cut out the middle of the day exercises and doing okay with that. I did Yoga one night and made it! Now that Valentine's Day is over (too many hours at the shop), I will be able to get back to the gym, do some more workouts, and see where I'm at.

I told my PT that I was scared to push myself at the gym, especially since the setback in January. He told me to push myself so that we can find the "setback point" while I'm still seeing him. So, it continues.....

Weight Loss
Well, it's not so there. I'm staying the same, which is good. But, I want to get down to at least 190 before the cruise. That means 1 month, people! 1 month to lose 8 lbs. I can do it!!! I just need to be more on myself about writing my food down. That is the biggest thing for me - write it down before I eat it. And write down the exercise too!!!

Baby-Making
I guess I don't know what to say about this. David's health has been an issue the last couple months, so of course we're not "trying." But, all these people around me are getting pregnant and it gets harder and harder for me to just grin and act happy. I want to feel what these women are feeling - I want to feel MY baby kicking and hiccuping inside me. I want to feel the mood swings (not like I don't already have those), the nausea, the shitty nights of sleep. I want my husband to lay his hand on my belly and feel OUR CHILD moving underneath.

I'm sick of people asking me when we'll have a baby. I'm tired of coworkers saying "So, how's the baby making going?" I'm sad when I find out friends are pregnant. Yeah, I think they deserve it, but when is it my time? When do I get to have a baby? When do I get to hold OUR miracle in my arms? To post totally random pictures of my child laughing, eating, playing with the puppies, sleeping, cuddling with daddy, sleeping on mommy's chest.... And when somebody asks? I try to be nice. I try to smile and say "In God's time." But God needs to hear me - HEAR ME - I need a baby. I want a baby. I deserve a baby.

God and I have had our chats. Well, at least I've chatted and I hope He has listened. Honestly, at this point I don't think He has. But, I've tried. I've opened my heart and prayed for this miracle. Now to take it into my OB's hands......

And I need to get David motivated. He needs to lose weight and get healthy. Once that happens, his numbers will "supposedly" get better. Then we can do an IUI. I'm hoping to do this before July so that we can use the money in the med spending plan we have at work.

I guess that's about it for an update. That pretty much covers the 3 biggest things in my life, right? I promise not to disappear for so long again. I have a few new recipes to show you all. Hopefully this week that can happen...

Until then... ta-ta for now!

Turkey Chili

I got this recipe from my healthy-eating boss, and it is so good! Even my picky in-laws ate it up. Although, they did add cheese and tortilla chips.. I plugged it into WW's recipe builder, and here are a few different "theories" on the points. I'm not sure how many it serves (they dont' eat normal portions), but I'm calling 1 cup a serving, so...

POINTS/Servings:
* 10 servings = 3 points
* 8 servings = 4 points
* 6 servings = 5 points

Ingredients
* 1 lb turkey
* 1 chopped onion
* 1 can chopped green chiles, drained
* 3 TBSP flour
* 2 tsp cumin
* 2 cans white beans, drained
* 1 can chicken broth

Directions
* Brown turkey and drain. Add onion and sautee.
* Add chilies, flour, cumin. Stir, cooking for 2 min
*Add beans & broth
* Simmer for 10 min and serve!