Where it seems like nothing goes right?
The kids were crazy at school. My para is upset with me because she chose to not come in until 11:00 yesterday because voting was more important. Okay, fine, whatever. BUT, when you call the office and say "I'll be a little late," they tend to notice when you walk in 2 1/2 hrs after you are supposed to be there! So, somehow that is my fault.
Class was good. We got out early.
But, then I came home and just got into a funk. My friend who is pregnant is having a tough time. She is really scared and doesn't think she can talk about stuff when her boyfriend is around (gee, a sign maybe??). And that just makes me want to scream even more!
I watched my shows - finally caught up on everything - but now I just don't feel like going to bed. I got pissy with David because he kept talking to his partner at work when he was on the phone with me. How stupid is that? He's at work - duh!
I don't want to go to bed. I hate sleeping alone. I miss David. I hate when he's gone for so many days. I haven't been sleeping very well - too much stress probably. I'm just in another funk, and frankly, I'm sick of it. When do WE get to be happy, To not live paycheck to paycheck, to see each other like "normal" married couples, to not have to work multiple jobs, to have a BABY????????????
Sometimes I wonder if I'm really ready to be a mom. Will my moods affect my baby when I'm pregnant? How about after he/she is born? Can I sacrifice the luxuries we do give ourselves if it is for our baby? Do I even deserve a baby? Maybe that's what God is telling us. We can't get pregnant because we don't deserve it. I told my friend tonight that God has plans and we don't always understand them. I swear sometimes I need to listen to my own advice. But I want to know, damn it. It's not fair that He is keeping these things away from me. Why are some of the parents of my students so much younger than me? 2 years ago, one of the parents was remembered by the secretary as being in the 5th grade - the secretary has only been there for 8 years. Do the math. Why did SHE get to have a baby, and I don't? Why do the parents who show up high or can't keep their pants up because they think it's "cool" to show off their ass crack get to have babies - multiple babies - and then make ME, as a tax payer, pay for them to raise that child? And I don't even get ONE baby that WE DESERVE, that will be loved and we will ALWAYS do what is best for that baby.
I need a drink. Bad. Thanks for letting me rant/ramble/vent.... whatever it is. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.... right?
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2 comments:
Amanda...it's normal to have "one of those days"....so just remember that when you do finally got to sleep...you get to wake up and that day is a new day. Forget what happened the previous day, you get to start over tomorrow. I truly believe that things doing happen by "coincidence" but that they are part of a bigger plan...and unfortunately I have a hard time believing that when it comes to infertility. WHY do some of us have to suffer and go through so much to have a baby when it is SOOO easy for SO many women. I have to believe that the perseverence, lessons, faith, prayer and everything we do along that journey is what will contribute to us being a FABULOUS mom when we get there. I just read this the other night: "We have no idea what great things God wants to do through us if we would just step out in faith when He asks us to. That's why He lets us go through some difficult times. Times when we feel weak and vulnerable. He allows certain things to happen so that we will turn to Him and give Him our full attention. It's in those times, when we are forced to grow in greater faith, that our faith grows stronger".
I'm not sure if that makes sense to your situation right now....but it really helped me. I am thinking of you!
Yes, things will get better Amanda! And you will be a great mom!
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