David and I started the weekend off early on Wednesday fighting. Big time fighting. He made some decisions without me that really hurt. He wants to wait to have a baby. Where was I in this decision? And why? Because his urologist is an asshole and won't code his visits so that insurance will cover. Fucker. We talked, and David wants a baby. He's scared. We'll get through it. I hope. But since he played around with his testing, we'll miss yet another cycle that we could have gotten pregnant. Ass.
So, Thursday, I worked at the flowershop until 10:00. This brings us to Friday...
Phone call at 3:55 that I had to take. Didn't leave school until 4:15. Went home, picked up the puppies. David was supposed to have put gas in the van for me, but hadn't gotten around to that OR cleaning it out to transport dogs to daycare. So, I took the Equinox.
Dropped pups at Barb's Best Friends, and then went to work. Stayed until 9:00, went home. Got ready for the garage sale. Bed at 11:30.
Up at 5:30 to get ready for garage sale.
Work at 8:00. Craziness. Ate worth shit all weekend (grease, grease, and more grease). All corsages and orders picked up at 4:30. Home at 5:15. The night of Drywalling began.
I think we finally went to bed at 12:30. I was so tired I giggled as I managed to completely screw up a would-be straight line on the drywall. That's gonna require some mud. Fuck.
Sunday. Mother's Day. Wish I were a mother. Or at least gonna-be a mother. But, no. I'm not that fucking lucky. My body said Happy NOT Mother's day to me with the start of my period. Mudded and taped all day. David started sanding the parts that we did last night.
Cleaned up, and picked the pups up. Oh, and we fought again. I really dislike my mother in law. She doesn't give a rat's ass about my feelings or my wishes when it comes to my home or my marriage. She's not welcome in my house. And David knows it. I hate her. She me some god damn respect.
Now it's Monday. I hate Mondays. And I hate my period. And I hate that I can't get pregnant. I hate that I can't talk to my husband because then he starts the "you deserve better" shit that I hate even more than keeping crap to myself. I guess I hate alot right now. And it sucks. I want to be happy. I want to be a mommy. I want the midnight wake up calls and the stretch marks. I want the tight bank account because my baby neeed new clothes or diapers. I want it all. And I don't have it.
A customer on Saturday reminded me of my grandpa. I miss him. And I miss Grandma. I hate that they won't be here to see my baby. But, I know they are in Heaven picking out the perfect baby for me right now. But I want them here damnit. I want to be able to call them and say I love you! I want to be able to call and say "Grandma, what did you do when you were married and Grandpa did...." She never met David. I hate that.
So, hopefully my next post won't be so damn depressing. Maybe I can get paint on the walls and make my life happier that way. I'll just paint over it all. Oh, and my class starts tomorrow night. And I have weigh in Wednesday. God, I hope I have made progress the last 2 weeks ~ I've eaten like shit, but tried really hard. Hopefully I've "worked out" enough with house stuff to at least maintain where I was.
I promise next post won't be so damn down. Promise. Pinky swear.
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