Me Time

*Disclaimer: This may be one of the more depressing "reports" I've had for a while. Don't read it if you plan on judging me for my feelings.*

Life has been CRAZY the last month or so. We got the house and moved in. But, we have yet to close. We've been here for 3 weeks now. He keeps saying "we should get the approval tomorrow" or "oh, they need updated pay stubs," and "now it came back and we just have one more step before the approval." When the FUCK is the damn approval coming? Because, seriously, this is getting old. The owner/realtor/mortgage broker says "I know we'll close. Don't worry." Seriously? I'm living in YOUR house, trying to make it MY HOME. How am I supposed to not worry?

Then, we find out the septic tank ~ reminder, we live in the county, not the city, so no sewer line ~ hasn't been inspected or drained in 4 years. Supposedly, the inspector "checked" it, but obviously not. So, we paid for it to be cleaned, the owner paid for some repair. But, then, they find a second tank with no lid/riser (I guess this is a bad thing?). They go in to fix that, and find that the 2nd tank has 2 compartments - tack on more money. Luckily, we haven't closed yet, so the owner is splitting it. But, still. Lots of flipping money we weren't expecting.

David is working ~ I love him for what he does ~ but damn, I miss him. We're having friends over tomorrow night, which will be so much fun. But, at the same time, I'm stressed. What if they don't like the house? Is it clean enough? Will we have enough food/alcohol? The list goes on....

So, I'm trying to clean, and the dogs are helping me out, oh so much. They decided to get into some mail (not sure where from) and destroy it in the living room while I cleaned our bedroom and worked on the office.

I've been stressed anyways. I hurt my toe at work yesterday. I had a really heavy workload for class this week, and now I'm behind for my reading. I get my Comp questions on Monday ~ this decides whether or not I graduate in December, but no pressure, right?

Wednesday, my 16 year old nephew was almost killed. He fell on a set of antlers that my mother in law is stupid enough to keep as a "souvenier" from a car accident (obviously car vs. deer) about 5 years ago. The antler barely missed his spine. Luckily, David's dad was smart enough to call David before he pulled the damn thing out. David obviously said "don't," and happened to be at our old house, so less than 5 minutes away. They took him to the hospital, and he came home a few hours later. He's fine, but obviously in pain. Very scary. And now my mother in law thinks that we need to feel sorry for HER because SHE feels bad it happened. Um, no. I'll feel sorry for my nephew, but you're the dumbass to keep the damn things laying around on the floor when there are other young children in the house who might not be so lucky!

I haven't been to a WW meeting in 2 weeks. We've been too busy, and I haven't been able to squeeze it in. And I'm going back to my old habits ~ emotional eating. I've done really good managing this. I allow myself the extras to keep from binging... but, this week, it seems like I've forgotten all that I have learned! I had 2 doughnuts and 2 glasses of juice for breakfast, 3 slices of pizza and salad for lunch (at least I had salad), and then some frozen shit out of the box for dinner. Oh, and 3 drinks because I "needed" them. What am I doing to myself? I LOVE the way I'm looking these days ~ and people notice, and I feel healthy! ~ but at the first sign of stress, I go back to the OLD ME.

I want a baby. So. Fucking. Bad. It hurts. It's killing me. We thought maybe next month, but now with everything going on... My period started yesterday (to add to the stress, now I have hormones). Last night in my child abuse class, we talked about increased risk of physical abuse/neglect. Mothers with emotional "disease" was one of them. I'm on medicine for my anxiety. Am I destined to hurt my baby that I want SO FUCKING BAD????? This scares me so bad. But, I go off the medicine, and I'm a completely different person. And not in a good way.

So, I called my dr's office. This anxiety attack is really bad. I haven't had one like this in a long time ~ I mean, hell, I'm venting to you on an internet site. I know some people will think that I'm this horrible person and that David deserves better than me (refer to previous blog about being in high school), but I don't care anymore. I'm waiting for the nurse to call me back ~ maybe I can take an extra pill tonight.

*Second Disclaimer ~ I did NOT go back and proof this, and just ranted off a whole lot of feelings. Thanks for being the sounding board. I promise next post will be better!*