Monthly Vent Time

Well, it seems like about once a month, I need to get it all out.... I've had some stuff building up the last week or so, and today was the straw that broke the camel's back. Good luck keeping up.

I found out this week that 2 of my friends are pregnant. I am excited for both of them. But, I'm sad at the same time. I'm mad at myself for thinking "It's not fair" - even for that split second that I thought it - I feel guilty for it. Both of these women have been trying for 6 months. They both deserve their babies. But, damn it, I want a baby, too! Another friend of mine who is having problems getting pregnant is having the same issue - everybody around her is getting pregnant. David is meeting with a new urologist sometime soon, getting back on the Clomid, and then we'll try an IUI. We're both getting back to our vitamins. Hopefully in 4-5 months I'll be announcing a baby!

But it's hard. I want to be pregnant now. It's not fair. June is our 2nd anniversary, August is our 2nd trying to conceive anniversary. As a teacher, I see good parents and not-so-good parents. Why can these women sleep with 4-5 different guys and get pregnant everytime they get into bed? And why can they keep popping out kids and getting free aide? David and I will be good, loving parents who have common sense and understand what routine, and talking, and loving, and not getting high/drunk with our kids in the next room... Everytime I see a pregnant woman, I wonder "What did God see in you that he doesn't see in me?"

We had weigh-in tonight. David did great! He lost 6 lbs! I gained 2. I know that this past week was tough - Easter, 1 winery and 2 tasting rooms, plus 1/2 a bottle of wine the other night. But, I've been going to the gym and watching what I eat. I think maybe my problem is tracking... I didn't really track my food like I usually do. I just guestimated - and I didn't keep track of my activity points or weekly points. Guess what that means? An added 2 lbs to my body. Next week will be better. I know it will.

Financially, things have been tight. We have a fair amount of credit card debt and we owe my parents some money. My dad has been great - relaxed about it. He'll get it when he gets it. My mom needs the money back. So, we worked out a "payment plan" with her. We also have all my medical bills - payment plans for them as well. We were planning on starting Dave Ramsey's Snowball plan in June. And then............ our water heater died. Last night, the "pop top" blew. David replaced it, and the new one popped today. The plumber came out and said that it's 20 years old (wow!), and needs to be replaced. So, the power is off (it's electric), and we can only turn it on to do laundry, showers, and dishes. Well, we can shower at the gym (after working out) and do laundry with cold water. But dishes? No. I need hot water.

So, we spent the evening figuring out the best way to go. David and I found one at a decent price from True Value and he is going to get it tomorrow. We decided to look at a couple other places and by the time we were done, True Value was closed. So, he's going to deal with it tomorrow. We still need to get a plumber to install it (eek!), but hopefully we can find one who will accept payments.

I seriously feel like everytime we start to get ahead, something goes wrong. David was supposed to call the urology clinic today, but now we can't afford it. We were planning summer trips, and now... we don't know. We want to be parents. And now.... It's not just the water heater. It's the surgery, the flu, the car accident,..... everytime we get one step ahead, we fall 2 back. Damn it. When will it be my turn to get ahead? When will it be my turn to say "I paid off a credit card!" or "We're pregnant!" My student loans are coming due in July and I know we can get the payments reduced, but seriously? I don't want to be paying on those for the rest of my life!

So, someday, some way, we will get ahead. We will succeed. 99 3/4% guaranteed. I hope.